Fab Five Take Hogwarts
by islandpooka
Summary: This was inspired by Tweet about the Queer Eye team meeting Hagrid. If I did not come up with the excerpt/idea, I will give credit. This is a ridiculous little bit of fun that I wrote up with limited to no plot. Comments with suggestions are ALWAYS appreciated, I plan to work through Draco, Bellatrix, Hermione, Tonks, Sirius, Dobby, and more! SPORADIC UPDATES
1. Hagrid

This was inspired by a Strictly Dramione post based on a Tweet by Laurazepam ( andilikelaura). If I did not come up with the excerpt, I will give credit. The first excerpt will be the tweet that started it all, thank you Laura! I did an update to this chapter after rewatching QE so I hope this is a little better.

Glimpses of the Fab Five's takeover of Hogwarts:

[Queer Eye, Hogwart's Edition]

Tan: Today we're meeting Rubeus Hagrid

Hagrid, holding dead rabbits: 'Ello

Jonathan: YAS QUEEN! You are giving me so much sexy mountain man face, I can't even. You can take me to the forbidden forest anytime.

[The Wardrobe Raid]

Tan: *pulls out the flower tie* "Oh no. Oh Rubeus, no. This, I cannot. This is going away. Far, far away where no one has to see it again. Does the Giant Squid eat felt? Maybe Fang can use it as a chew toy, but Rubeus, no. We're going to the Broad and Burly store and getting you something that suits you. I'm thinking forest green, midnight blue, something that is reminiscent of the forest and less reminiscent of the peewee girl's quidditch team uniforms, yeah?

Hagrid: Actually, eh, just Hagrid works.

Tan: My apologies, but I'm still tossing the tie.

Karamo: There's a lot of bright colors, but nothing that screams "Rubeus Hagrid" at me. This all seems like you're trying to be something you're not. Now I know you mentioned that you were raised by your dad and you tried to fit and had a tough time of it during your third year. Do you think that maybe that's where this forced bright and colorful persona is from? It just, this doesn't feel like you. Your joy seems to come more from the animals and students and nature, but I'm still feeling some darkness. Do you want to talk about it?

Hagrid: Uh...

Antoni: I smell something. It smells like…

Tan: Blerg! Hagrid! I was checking out this coat and found…

Antoni: SAUSAGES!

Bobby: I'm all about having a snack here and there, but unwrapped sausages in your coat pocket?

Hagrid: I get hungry at work, and Buckbeak is more agreeable with something in his belly, ye know?

Tan: No, no, no, I canNOT. Antoni, you are handling this. Rubeus, we are NOT putting food into pockets. Please. No more.

[Shopping in Hogsmeade]

Tan: I love leather, I do, but this moleskin is a little messy looking. We're going to try and neaten up this look a bit by going with some vegan 'dragonhide'. I know you're all about conservation and we really want to help with that, yeah?

Hagrid: *tears up* Thank ye, Tan. Yer a good man.

Tan: None of that now! We're here to make you look dapper, not sad. I really want to work some greens and browns into your wardrobe, but also some black. The black is really going to slim you down, yeah?

(prompt by Cat St. Dionysus)

[Cooking with Antoni]

Antoni: Now tell me about these rock cakes, Rubeus.

Hagrid: Well, I make 'em myself, though they're a bit tough.

Antoni: Right. You're a broad guy so you need to eat, but let's try and get a little more organic, and a little more local. You have some gorgeous pumpkins out back and I bet you keep the smaller ones that don't qualify for the Halloween decor, right?

Hagrid: Yeah, Professor Dumbledore likes the biggest fer the Great 'All.

Antoni: Excellent. We are not going to let them go to waste. We are going to make some pumpkin bread. It's going to be a little sweet, a soft texture, and it's really going to wow your guests. It's super simple to make, too.

(inspired by ansalong on twitter)

[Karamo's spiel]

Karamo: Now I hear that one of your catchphrases has been, "I shouldn't have told you that."

Hagrid: I wouldn't say tha-

Karamo: You need to stop doubting yourself, Rubeus. You obviously impressed Professor Dumbledore to get where you are today, you have a good group of friends, and you've been promoted to Professor yourself. You are good at what you do, you should be sure of yourself. You said you have a special woman in your life, now let's get you some confidence so you can win her over.

Hagrid: Tha' would be nice…

Karamo: You're a big strong guy, I want to make sure your belief in yourself is equally strong.

(prompt by Cat St. Dionysus)

Bobby: I understand you're the gamekeeper and this is school provided housing, but it's a bit disorganized and a bit dark. We're going to neaten this up and keep that rustic feel.

*next day*

Bobby: Okay, Rubeus, open your eyes and check out your new home! We put in some new hardwood floors that are very smooth and easy to sweep up Fang fur. We have a QuikClean wand that will get that fur off of your blankets as well, which will keep you neat until you finish your lessons at Hogwarts. All of your furniture is now vegan leather that will keep you comfortable and will be easy to clean off any mud you might have on you from your work. That QuikClean wand is great for boots, too.

Hagrid: *stares wide eyed*

Bobby: Over here in the kitchen we have a new island that seats three for the gang when they visit along with a custom food station for Fang. We've also stocked your fridge with some healthy alternatives suggested by Antoni, including the ingredients for that pumpkin bread. We've also hung some photographs of the favorites creatures you told Karamo about.

Hagrid: *tears up looking at the photos of Blast Ended Skrewts burning a Fourth Year Neville Longbottom*

[watching on the secret camera]

Bobby: Look, look, look! Do you guys see that thing in the sky?

Tan: Are those Pegasi? Oh my god, I haven't seen those outside of photos before.

Antoni: They only drink single malt whisky. Classy creatures.

Karmaro: Now THAT is a woman! She has got the height for our man, Rubeus.

Jonathan: YAASSSS, look at her blush at him! You go fly, our fashionable little Hippogriff! WERK that vegan dragonhide, henny. Everything about this has me screaming Wingardium Levi-YAAAAAS-a, you hip little ASS-kaban baby! He even used the-

All: BEARD OIL.

Tan: Our little gamekeeper has game, lads. *wipes a tear*

-On Screen-

Hagrid: You look bit cold, Olympe. Can I offer ye my coat?

Fab Five: YAAASS

Jonathan: Look at my big burly hippogriff spreading his wings and soaring like I knew he would!


	2. Draco

[Meeting with Draco]

Draco: *looks down nose* And you are?

Jonathan: OMG, yes, this confidence! I love this. And that flawless platinum blonde? Is this bottle or natural? We can add some body to this, but I loove everything you're giving me right now.

Draco: Err…

Tan: Hello, Draco. We were contacted by your mum and she asked us to makeover your wardrobe and your wing of the manor.

Draco: Right.

Bobby: I'm getting some really dark vibes. We're going to need to lighten this place up and wash out this Death Eater funk you've got going on. We've got a lot to do in five days, but you're in good hands.

Draco: *rubs bridge of nose quietly cursing his mother*

[Wardrobe raid]

Tan: The all black is nice, it's very slimming on you, but you need a little pop of colour or pattern. Just something to stand out from the all dark wardrobe.

Draco: *Sputters* I wear things other than _black_. I wear white and silver and I have colored stones in my cufflinks.

Tan: And that's lovely, but it's too severe for someone of your age. Have some _fun_ with it! You're young, you're single, you're going on a blind date next week, we need you in something that doesn't look like you're heading to a funeral.

Draco: *sniffs*

Jonathan: I'm loving the bathroom, very debonair. Tell me what your morning routine is like?

Draco: I come in, take a long hot shower, spell my hair dry and gel it back.

Jonathan: Oh henny, no! You wash your hair every day? Stripping the natural oils is no good for your hair, henny. And this gel potion is super harsh on your beautiful baby fine locks. We're going to get you a skincare routine, we're going to get you a hair routine, and we're going to learn how to make that luscious hair of yours look totally gorg without those nasty chemicals.

Draco: *glowers*

Karamo: Let's talk about your family because I can sense that's where some of your pain is coming from.

Draco: Let's not.

Karamo: I know talking about this can be rough, but having the darkest wizard of all time taking over your house for a year would be difficult for anyone. You probably felt like your dad was pushing you to be something you're not. Maybe it didn't feel like you could take a different path? Maybe you just felt like you were on different pages. Knowing that the path you want to take is completely separate from what your parents expect is difficult, but that's where most of us truly grow.

Draco: *tear slips down face*

Karamo: Let's get you onto a path that _you_ choose. I noticed you have a lot of Quidditch equipment in the closet and the photos of your Slytherin team. I've found a intramural group that you can play with on Tuesday nights. I think it would help you to do something you love, just for the sake of loving it. It will also get you out of your comfort zone and meeting new people.

Draco: Only if I get to be seeker.

Antoni: So what do you cook on a daily basis?

Draco: *lifts eyebrow* We have house elves for that.

Antoni: And that's great, but you really should know how to cook something yourself. Have you ever heard of avocado toast?

Jonathan: Your hair is so silky smooth but we need to get some _texture_ in here. You aren't your father so you should move beyond his style. A little bit of pomade in here, just rub it between your hands and really get it in there. Yas. Go for it. Pretend it's Hermione's curls. Oh, henny, no. Don't you give me those eyes. I saw the look between the two of you and that was HAWT Dracy. You almost had me melting.

Draco: Absolutely not. I like uniform looks. And I was _not_ looking at bloody Granger.

Jonathan: I know allllll about falling for the "wrong person", sweetie. But love CAN overcome. Love is love is love, whether you are pureblood, halfblood, blue blood, pink blood, but no unicorn blood because that stuff will Mess. You. Up.

Draco: *lifts eyebrow*

Jonathan: When we are done here, you will be OWNING that Slytherin Prince title. We're going to take you from Flobberworm to Fabulous.

Draco: *under his breath* just wait till my father hears about _this_.

Draco: *arms are crossed before the blindfold even comes off*

Bobby: I know the green and silver thing is part of the house-pride motif you've got going, but you're in your last year. We need to move beyond your school days and modernize. We want a bachelor pad, not an ode to Slytherin, so I changed things up a little. We got rid of the stripes all together except for subtle pinstripes on your sheets. We put in some shades of green and gray to keep your color palette, but elevated.

Draco: *raises both eyebrows*

Bobby: We tried to make this a little more modern and a little more mature. We've put in some blackout curtains, but they're a heavy silk instead of the velvet you had before. The velvet absorbs smells and dust. This raw silk, however, is still going to keep the light out but it's going to make the room a little lighter in textures. It coordinates with the throw pillows we put on your newly upholstered settee since I know you wanted to keep your family's historic pieces in the room. We've added some more wingback armchairs that we found in the attic and put in a humidor for your guys' nights. There's also a bar inside of that globe, stocked with some vintage firewhiskey your mom showed us in the cellars, next to your new floor to ceiling bookshelves. We've added some protective charms to keep the dust off and to help you find the titles you want more quickly.

Draco: It's acceptable.

Bobby: We also framed this photo of you and Vincent Crabbe together. Karamo mentioned how close you'd been in your early years and how difficult losing him had been. We thought having this memory of him to look back on might be nice on the guys' nights so you all can reminisce.

Draco: *eyes well up* Yeah, it's acceptable.

Tan: Alright, lads, Draco's prepping for his blind date!

Jonathan: Ugh, I lurve that blue and white stripe, especially with the blue blazer.

Tan: That's what I told him to wear and he is...going right past it for the black.

Bobby: Nooo! I thought we told him no more black!

Karamo: Wait, he's going for whatever is behind the black.

Antoni: Oh, that forest green is delicious on him.

Fab Five: *nods*

Jonathan: Look at our little Occamy breaking out of his shell and ready to take on the night! And YAS! YOU USE THAT POMADE DRACY!

Tan: Oh, there goes the Floo. I bet it's that Granger girl.

Antoni: I don't know, he had old vibes with Pansy.

Karamo: Guys, I think you're all way off. It's going to be..

All: HARRY POTTER?


End file.
